Any Other World

Thursday, April 29, 2010

~ i think thoughts for the most part should be shared.  maybe these thoughts will entertain if not enlighten.  i've logged many days writing everything and yet it seems as though i've written nothing. ~


it was definitely not a waste of time, because not one moment in life can be wasted.  it is time to keep these thoughts to myself, or share with you on a personal level.  if i was meant to be alone, then so be it.  if we are what i think we are meant to be, then let's connect.

these feelings are too precious to be left in the open and abandoned, but should be cherished.  

goodbye blog ~ see you in any other world.

So sometimes ... I get this feeling of discomfort.  It's not so painfully discomforting that I HAVE to do something, but it's sort of getting there.  But the thing is, I don't know what to do.  Although there are many options, I cannot choose, because each one is equally as flawed as the next.

There will be a breaking point where I must choose yea?  When that time comes, will I choose, or choose to stand there in silence?  More importantly, if I choose, can I hold it in my hands for the rest of my life in content?

Seems like a prevalent scenario these days =_=

wth...

Friday, April 23, 2010

Yesterday @ about 5pm .. park at the post office, do my business, come back out to find that the car is still running with the keys locked inside. 


Today @ about 4pm .. walk to parking garage, put my stuff in the trunk, start the car .. realize I forgot my computer at work.


I feel scatter brained.  I feel uneasy.  Physically I'm hella tired.  Usually I know what's bothering me, but this time I just can't figure out what.  It's very strange.  Nothing too crazy thats driving me nuts, but just REALLY uncomfortable.


I need a spell breaker

Still On the Way There

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

O who are you kidding?  You can't live without a bike, you can't just walk everywhere forever.  You need the thrill, you need the wind in your hair.  You need a bike.  So of course, you get the best of the best and a really big lock, the kind that takes brain surgeons and rocket scientists 2 weeks to realize that its a lock.  


What a beauty.  Shiny handle bars, solid body, sexy everywhere.  This is what you wanted right?  The best bike, all to yourself, to ride as you wish.  


One day, a friend asks you to ride it to run an errand.  It was going to be a quick, around the block mission, taking no longer than maybe 30 minutes.  "NO"! "NO WAY!"  This was expected don't you think?  You loved so much that no one else could even touch.  Anyways, it was your bike right?  You have the right to do whatever you wish with YOUR bike.  Of course.  All of your friends are admiring your bike.  It is truly a beauty.  


"How about letting me take it for a spin"?  It's been a long time, and you felt like you were being selfish, so you reluctantly agree.  You get a call later that day from that friend saying that you weren't going to get the bike back for a while because he just didn't have anytime.  What could you do?  He lived far away, walking there was out of the question and you didn't know anyone with a car.  Could you believe it?  Another fine day, you ask another the whereabouts of that friend.  Surprised and shocked to hear that he had moved away, you wonder if he had left the bike here.  Good.. you think about the bike before you even consider your friend.  Then again, he was the one being deceptive.  You find out that he didn't leave anything and no one knew where he went.


Angry and sad again, you try to brush it off out of pride.  You try to comfort yourself by saying that bike was no good anyways, too stiff and hard to maneuver.  You were lying to yourself and you didn't even blink.  


So now what ... No bike again.  Time to walk, but will you get another?  Tough luck with the bikes.  A lot of people's bikes never break or get stolen, and they just keep that 1 bike until it gets old and withers away.  Why are you so unfortunate?  Maybe someone is trying to tell you to just give up and walk.  Maybe you are not the biking type.  All in all, the whole experience has taken you through this emotional roller coaster and you can't decide if another bike is worth it. 


~ sometimes indecision is to choose the path of inaction, and to walk seemed to be your choice for now ~

The Way There

Lately, the idea of being single for a long long time has been plaguing my mind.  I'm not saying it will be a total bad thing, but not saying it will be a walk in the park either.  When Cupid's fragile arrows whither away, we come back to square 1.. but are we really at square 1?


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


You love your bike, you couldn't go anywhere without it, it's like your new legs.  It was faster, it was more exciting.  Rather than avoiding the curb, you took it head on!  Rather than avoiding the puddle, you ran through it with your legs straight out.  Then one day, you were reckless and fell off that bike.  You remember the pain, you remember the stitches, bruises, scabs, and scars.  It was a nasty fall to say the least.  Great... you had to walk everywhere now.  Everything was more calm, rather than the wind blowing past your ears, you heard the birds and the leaves waving.  The wind against your skin was more subtle.  It wasn't all too bad, it wasn't better or worse, it was just different.  Sure, it took longer to get from A to B, but you now had time to think, lots of time.  you didn't have to worry about running into something.  The most important difference was that, you didn't have to worry about falling off the bike.


You didn't care much for the pain.  You wanted to hop back on the bike so bad that you forgot how much it hurt when you fell off the first time.  The old bike was trashed, but what can you do, so you go and get a new bike.  This one is even better!  It was way prettier than the last one, had more gears, and was much more comfortable.  It wasn't long before riding a bike was a part of your everyday life.  It was marvelous.  You remember it just like before.  You took the same paths, and it looked the same, but felt a little bit different.  You were pretty excited about the new bike so you took it to the trail that the old bike would have never been able to handle and it was great.  You feel in love with the new one even more!

Although you were getting a bit carried away with the new bike, you didn't want to fall off again, so you were really careful.  Also you treated this bike a lot better because you liked this one so much, you didn't want to have to dump it.


Everything is great. You felt amazing.  The wind was back in your hair and the thrill was on again.  Then one day, you leave class and totally ready to ride home on a gorgeous day, you walk outside to where your bike is locked up.  There it was, the beautiful ... bike lock.  Your bike was stolen.  Your baby.. it was gone.  At first anger strikes you.  You start looking around and don't know what to do.  You start blaming others and try to figure out who could have taken it.  Then after that doesn't get your bike back, you start blaming yourself, "did I lock it.. I bet I forgot to lock it.."  Either way, no matter what you tried to do, your bike was gone.  The brand spankin' new love of your life .. GONE.


At this point, you had forgotten the pain of falling off and getting hurt.  You were just angry and sad.  you sit and contemplate about getting a new one.  You didn't care about falling off, it was like as if you were used to it.  You just wanted to make sure you got to keep the next bike forever!  That is.. if you decide to get a new one.


(to be continued)

EE Degree Put to Use

Monday, April 19, 2010

In analyzing the behavior of a system in engineering, we often examine its properties as we approach infinity, negative infinity, and zero.  These are the crucial points of any system.  These are the points of destruction or construction, of beauty, and of disaster.  Let's just think about the approach as limit is infinity.  Three things can happen:


1) Constant, exponential, or logarithmic growth.  However you put it, this is growth through infinity, and thus growth TO infinity.    


2) Diminishing behavior, where the entity will approach zero as time goes on, but never truly reach it.  


3) Stabilized behavior, where the value of the output of the entity stays a constant and will never change from its current state unless an eternal force is presented.


How about life?  In the midst of eternity, can we say anything about life itself?  Our consciousness is simply made up of some amount of voltage (far more complex i know, but this is what we understand scientifically).  When we die, this voltage is released into space and mended together with everything else.  As we approach infinity, this "consciousness" as we know it individually will slowly disappear, but it never reaches zero.  But this is just a theory, equally valid as the opposing argument, the one I prefer to believe in.


As our "souls", if you will, are released from our human bodies, it does not disappear, but rather forges with the rest of the physical word and thus giving us a great consciousness, a greater understanding of everything we've never known.  


But really, how can we make any objective statements about the supernatural or the metaphysical... All we know is how to live by the physical boundaries that were given to us, and yet, we try so hard to break free.  We try so hard to reach another level of existence.  And from that struggle came faith.  This faith to believe in whatever we believe in for our afterlives and never look another way.  


In a perfectly "logical" world, where there are no crimes, no unnatural deaths ... we wouldn't have .. feelings.  Because these feelings drive us.  They are the passion that drives us to kill, they are the desires that drive us to sin .. And so I close my eyes and picture this perfect world.. Afraid to fall into an eternal reverie of this perfect world, I open my eyes.  It took me a while to remember what I had realized at the end of the last summer.


I do want to be a God someday.  Sitting on my throne in the sky with my Goddess right by my side.  I will be there one day, but today, I am human.  I am fragile and no, I don't want another world, because there are more beautiful things here than I can ever experience in a lifetime.  The trees of the slowly fading old house waving goodbye.  The first car, the last car.  The trees of the new house waving hello.  I did accept it, I do accept it, I'm human and I love this world.  I love .. you.  Whoever you are, where ever you are, and if I've met you already or not.. Someday we'll enjoy our kingdom.  


So let's fall in love, let's travel the world, I'll show you the life of a God and his Goddess before they became divine.


~ heaven is boring .. i need you ~

Champagne

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Got back last night from U of I, Urbana, another battle.  Still learning, which is good.  I don't want to ever go to a jam and not walk away with something.  Driving back from Illinois, we stop at around 4 am to fill up on gas and get some energy drinks.  There, I sat on the bench and gazed at the gas station.  Maybe it was late night delirium, but the lights of the gas station was refreshing.  It was as if that gas station was the only thing on the planet.  Other than the 4 other people I was with, I felt as if everyone I had known was no where to be found (which is literally true at that moment on the road).  


It was another moment to contemplate why I danced, why I did anything, but rather than thinking, this time ... I just sat there, soaked in the feeling.



Not too long after I sat down, we were on the road again.  Got back to St. Charles and said peace  to the homies and left for home.  This time, I really was on my own, driving home around sunrise.  This time, I must say, is the first time I had actually enjoyed being awake when the sun is coming up.  Although I think it was the moon that was there the whole time above me, reminding me that even in the light of day, where everything is drowned in the sun's rays and looking the same that the light of faith can still shine.  



The moon was a crisp crescent looking to the right.  There were cars on the road, probably on their Sunday morning commute.  Although I was tired, I could drive on ... I need to.  

On the night before leaving for Urbana, I drove to St. Charles and passed the airport.  At this point, I wanted to just go... Just pull in, buy a ticket to god knows where, and just.. Go.  In the past, I would never leave where ever I was.  Never, but now, maybe it's because I am growing up, maybe it is time for the cub to leave the lioness, but I can't help but feel this way.  I love everyone I have every met, and everyone that I am currently spending my life with, but I think I need to move forward.

~ Thanks Jumpin' Jimmy's!
*is a lioness just loneliness without Love?


Who Am I?

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Do identity crisis really exist, or are they just hesitations to accept in disguise?  No matter how hard we search for ourselves to try to see the individuality, we will be who we are.  At this very moment, our existence is colored by our clothes, our hairstyle, the way we smile, and all of our choices.  To find who we are and to attempt to go down another road is ... some what uncomfortable?


This begs another question which is pertaining to the final destination of this journey for self discovery.  Where does it end?  Where in this journey can I sit down and say "I'm done, I'm satisfied, I've found myself"?  There's are times in a day where you are so concentrated on a certain action that afterwards, you simply realize nothing but the passing of that time.  On the other hand, there are times where you watch the clock tick by (metaphorically) and realize the passing of time.  Could finding yourself simply be based on how much our lives are comprised of these moments?  I know I am asking a lot of questions and not throwing out answers.. =P


I did learn a few things on this so called "journey".  First and foremost, is that this journey, never ends.  We are always students of our world and we will always be realizing more and more about who we are as individuals and together as one family.  In this search for the ultimate happiness, one that will never let you down, I realized that life is nothing but small things, from packed lunches to Sunday drives, and from relationship complications to amusement parks.  The small things, together is in fact this "ultimate happiness".  


We try so hard to wiggle out of our shells and change who we are.  Its easy to change who you are, but to accept whoever you are is the butterfly in the sky.

Wierd Feeling

Sunday, March 28, 2010

I have been ridiculously busy so there hasn't been time to do something religiously for fun.  For example, following anime, playing maple story, downloading new music, etc.


I guess I don't make time for those things because I don't see the future value of it.  Although, I really just.. want to.  I don't really know what that says about me and what I want.


So now, I have a little bit of time (maybe 30 minutes) everyday and also on the weekends freed up.  
It is not enough to do the things I want to do religiously because I don't know for how long my time will be free.  Anyways, I don't want to get started on something and end up having to stop after a short while.. So episodic things like.. movies, which I had been watching before bed~


Weird transitional times I suppose...

I broke the time machine, ON PURPOSE!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Short story short ...


b) I found a machine that can skip forward in time.
c) I broke it cuz I realized that I love the moment, this moment.

the end ~

Ok

Monday, March 22, 2010

Turn it back a few.


~~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~~~~~~


It was another summer day.  Temperature was warm enough to walk outside with a tank top and shorts on.  I get out of the elevator and walk across the street to the Village Corner convenient store.  "Pack of silvers please", as I place the Canada Dry and Orange Faygo on the counter. I pay the tatted man and take my change.  


I felt that slight breeze on my face as I left the store.  Magnificent.  The 19 story apartment building was only across the street on the opposite corner.  I take the elevator up to the 9th floor.  The elevator was old with cream colored walls and a button missing the 13th floor.  We frequently make fun of the people living on the 14th floor because they are just lying to themselves.


So I make a right out of the elevator and then a quick left.  I open the door, and the night is nothing short of perfection.


~~~~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~~~~~~~~


Now turn it back again.


F@Q#R(#IG$ERQ#KFQ##@)RT()&L*^KIM%UYRTBRWVG$@H^#%J&K$*&L%$^UMJWHT$QBGR$@W%GEREFGBDHNFUJYR^&EJ%WH$TNEMUK^$&J%HW$TBRETMUR&L%(&*K$^J%HW$GTBENUMK&$*^J&%HW$TBQEWRNEMU^K$J&%H^W$TBQETRNWEUM^K&I*$^&J%#H$WQGBT$WNEMU^K&%L(*&K$^J%#HWTEUJRIK%(O^*L%&K*$^J%WHTB$EUM$&%(LKI*$^UJ%RBWNTEMU^K$*J&%HWTBRNMU#^KJ%YWTBQRNWMU^KJ#%YWHT$QBETWNRMU^K#J%Y@H$TQBW%UME^K$EJ#%YWH$TQBE$T$


I would say that felt good, but it didn't do anything.


Maybe I'll concentrate on the future.  Yup.. that looks like a piece of shit too.  I think I need a cat, named Selina.

Trip to Michigan

Sunday, March 21, 2010

It was a dope trip.  Got to see some homeboys and homegirls, battled with my crew, soaked in the AA air, ate the nostalgic food...


I learned two of what I consider very important things.


On the way home from the airport and listening to my parents talk, I came to the realization that there are some people that will never really change.  This doesn't mean I won't love them forever.


I've also been asked about what love is.  I can't say what it is, but I can say that my kind of love can only be defined by whoever she is, not myself.


So of course, back to the grind, back to the lab. PEACE!

Water

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

We are not ice and we are not air, but rather, the thing in between.  
The indecisive creatures that drops from the sky on a dark day.  


We can't stay still like the magnificent glaciers,
and yet we can't carry the wings of an eagle.


Someday, the ice will melt into the sea and rain will return to the oceans.


Let's live forever, in the Pacific and in the storm.

No if that's how it's gonna be.

The pond looks cold outside, it's shivering.
As the wind rides along the surface, my mind wanders with it as the water is rippling.
A mind full of matter, can't seem clear the chitter chatter.
It's hardly productive, but strangely seductive.


No more talk of tears and sadness,
no more heartbreaking investment and depression.
Just me and my dreams until my days are done,
forsake my soul but I remain the faithful one.


Links drawn, with the senses gone,
waiting for the day when the dead rise at dawn.
When all hope is lost, I will save you,
but not without selfish tendencies, to fulfill my pleasure of satisfaction.  Saving your ass will hopefully generate some type of friendly reaction, reminding me of God's constant question.  


The answer will be no and I'm not sorry, and I know that as time goes on, things change.  We will never get along.  You see ... it is more imperative that you take care of the ones I love and if not, then let insanity fill your essence because you are no better than the devil.


I better get used to pain because there will be an eternity of it.
I will sit in heaven still lost because you are in another world, or bathe in the inferno as I see your face of pain for the rest of time.  


Life is beautiful, look inside the heart you stole.  Riddled with magic and dreams of a better tomorrow.  When your world needs a hero, just sit tight, I'll swim through the burning coals, climb the stairway with you on my back.


The beauty lies in the last tear of the solitary soul.

Bow, only if you wish.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

I can't truly move forward until I have accepted everything that is now.


I am not a bad person neither am I a good person.
Sometimes I am selfish and sometimes I am selfless.


I'm a little bit shy, a little bit bold. 
I'm a little bit scared, a little bit brave.
I'm a little bit clumsy, a little bit genius.


No matter what I am, I am all me.  This is me, whatever it is.  Whatever this life is that I have, it is mine.  No matter what words try to sway me away from my destiny, whether by intention or inadvertently, and no matter what forces try to move me from my path, truth be told, I move forward.  


Acceptance is difficult, but not impossible.  In the infinite universe that we exist, nothing is impossible.  There is no limit to time and space so why should there be a limit to the human spirit?  Rhetorical questions sometimes lead to the best answers.  


Could the world spin when my dreams have shattered to pieces?  It can and it will.  But can I pick up those pieces and keep striding?  I can and I will.  


"There are miracles in life I must achieve, but first I know it starts inside of me" - R. Kelly


It's as simple as that.


I am a God and Gods cannot be stopped. 


Blank

Monday, March 8, 2010

Sometimes ... 


It takes an incredibly uneventful day to make you realize that you have a huge hole in your chest.

Glory of Rome

Saturday, March 6, 2010

I drove home tonight on that same highway..


On that highway that I wished was at least reminiscent of infinity, on the highway of infinity, I could be fearless.  On that highway, I could be free.  Then I would look to the passenger seat and no one would be there.  I would turn around for a second and say "that was dope!" and no one would be there in the back seat either to agree or refute.


Is this how it is?  Is this who I am?  


I stopped at the light.  It didn't look like the past, it was a stern reminder that this is reality, this is my life as is.  Everything looked different.  The sway of the lamp posts in the wind seemed to shout "wake up" and every swooshing wind through the window was crying out for a change.


The glory that was Rome, is of another day.  Indeed.


I left my heart somewhere, I can't find it.  Even if I saw it sitting there in the plain open view, I don't know if I would be able to recognize it.


No, this isn't running away.  For once, I'll leave this all behind.  The tugs on my shirt and pant leg will bring warmth to my heart, but I doubt I will feel anything but the cool breeze of the highway.


Don't get it twisted, yall stamped my soul nice. yall stamped it with love. yall were real.  When the catalyst is remove, there is peace.


so, peace~

Everyday Occurrence

Monday, March 1, 2010

So I needed to go to Walgreen down the street thinking it was still opened at 12:12am.  It wasn't... So I drove on to Wal-mart.


The road was empty, not a soul to drive with.  The music played on and everything had felt like the past.  The coming on of the brisk spring air through the windows, the slight mist, the deer crossing the road.  It was all a dream I thought...  I wanted drive and drive.  I didn't want to stop, not for anything.  At every stop light, I sat there and looked around.  Although I had moved into a new house, everything looked so familiar as if I hadn't moved yet. I so desperately wanted to turn the clock back and go back, but of course. I couldn't.


I kept driving.. past where I used to live, past where I went everyday, past my high school, past where I used to drive past.  The parking lot was deserted.  I thought, yes! I had Wal-mart all to myself!  Of course, as fate has it, it is closed as well.  I turn around towards the car and as I walked I wished I would look behind me to see a swarm of angry, red eyed, mad men running towards me looking for flesh.  I so wished for the zombie apocalypse.  I imagined it as the only salvation, ironically.  Of course, there was no 24 hour store here anymore.. No all nighters to just wander and wonder what we would do if zombies were chasing us.


I got in the car and kept driving.  The feelings remained.  For every ounce of tears that wanted to escape, an ounce of blood in my heart told me not to cry.  I didn't want to lose a bit of the story that was instilled in my tears.  This was what I was holding on to?  A childish wish for the end of the world so that we would be the only ones left?  Maybe I always wish for childhood.. maybe we all do.


I imagined the streaks in the sky as superheroes who were flying off the earth because they couldn't live here anymore.  I so desperately wanted to fly away with them.  Of course, as fate has it.. I couldn't fly.  I couldn't drive on.. to no where, to anywhere, around the world until I got back to where I started.


Shortness of breath kicks in, maybe that was my heart's hint, to turn around and go home, the only place I've known, to offer protection and safety, but one day that will be gone, so long!  I'd say, I would salute to the past and shake the future's hand.  But unlikely, unlikely I would ever shake future's hand, I'm more likely to smack him in the face demanding my life back demanding every little detail white or black, demanding like a little bitch that I couldn't move on.  So long...


Can someone truly accept anything, or are we always in acceptance?


The breeze that grazed my hair past my eyes reminded me of the picture you took when I was driving.  Don't remind me, it's behind me... But I turned around and stayed behind and said "fuck you Noah.. leave us.. I'd rather rot in the darkness.."  There, I turned to stone, immortalized with a broken heart.


I think about how these words could never truly spell out what the h.e.a.r.t. is saying.  Tonight I will listen like every night.  I hope I dream of driving.. driving to New York.. Driving to M... nevermind it. Remember, i'm behind it?  Seems like the past caught up and sprouted up right in front of me.  Not the first time, but the first time in a long time.  Split the roots and kill the mood, I'd like to listen if you could tell me the truth.


Exactly how I feel..

In the morning

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Some days, I wake up and don't want to get up and just lay in bed and soak in whatever is in that room at that moment.


Some days, I wake up and want to be unconscious again.


I gotta wake up tomorrow morning right?


What if I didn't?  Would I even care?  

Talk @ Work

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

I don't think these doods know I'm here ... although I am typing quickly and loudly on this keyboard so they must know.

Anyways, they're talking about beer.  One guy says this bar downtown has $1 pints of Killian's Red ... the other "beer expert" (guy who says that professional busch drinkers can't drink bud ... wtf? ) proceeds to ask "what is a pint"?

The same guy with the Killian's remark just said "I want to have a Blue Moon" right now.  The same "beer expert" goes on to say "never heard of it"...

I don't get these guys.

I won't judge, they must lead pretty meaningful and content lives (meaningful and content to them) and that is better than I have.  Congratz guys.

[ When we zoom out and view our world from a grand spectrum, I don't think any of these conversations really matter.  In the end, we are nothing but electro signals diffusing into the universe as our bodies feed the still living creatures.  Maybe that's just me.  As we zoom in to our world, and into the hierarchy of society, things begin to look different.  But it is this grand viewpoint of all of the cosmos partnered with some odd urge to have love and be loved.. This is what we ought to live for, don't you think?  Enjoy your beer talk experts~ ]

Btw, this same dood just asked if he's had Mickey's ... now THERE's a Malt Licka!!!

~ Official 40oz. of Robotops Crew ~

Question to you

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Hey,


If heaven is where I want to be, and I want to be here... Is this my heaven?  Am I alive?  Do I care if I am?


Sincerely,
John

Selina's Life

Friday, February 12, 2010

One night...

I want to sit on my bed by the open window in a cramped New York City apartment, smoke my cigarette, and gaze outside.  The room would be small and just big enough to move around, but the queen size will always be empty.

Selina would drink from her bowl and hop on top of the queen to take her half.  The breeze feels good up here.  Not too cold like waiting for the taxi in the winter, or too hot like ... waiting for the taxi in the summer.

Purring.. Inhale.. Exhale.. Tires gliding down the street below.. Random cacophonies here and there.. Purring.. Inhale.. Exhale.. The wind as it flows through the leaves..

Inhale~ the world as I observed it, struggle to stay in the physical realm only to pray for salvation after this life.  A little bit of hope as a man takes his $1 to the 7-Eleven and buys the losing lotto.  A seductive little smile from the dam to the stranger walking by, as she hold the arm of her man.  A little bit of nothing surrounds the man who sits by the dumpster with his beloved companion Sebastian, or so he thought, as Sly steals the bit of bread he had left and slips into the sewer grates.

Exhale~ The bright young minds discussing politics as they stroll into Starbucks passing by husband, wife, and baby Albert, who wears a bib that claims he is a "QT3.1416".  Albert stares at the chocolate chip cookie dough cone the little girl in the yellow dress is holding in one hand.  Her other hand is clenched tight by her grandmother.  The smell of the perfume shop drifts over to the late night bakery.

~ I'll fall asleep ~ 

One night...

I want to sit on my bed by the open window in a cramped Tokyo apartment, smoke my cigarette, and gaze outside.  The room would be way too small for the queen size, but the twin size will always be empty.

~ @{---------

One day...


I will wake up to the sound of trees swaying calmly amidst the spring air, in a over sized master suite in a castle.  There's enough room to fit a circus in here and the king size stays empty.  As I slalom past the wine bottles towards the 10 feet tall French windows, the warm air grazes my cheeks.  I sit on the stone balcony and over look the forest and lake, smoking my cigarette.

I don't hear anyone, just the sound of mother nature waking up.

"So Selina, you've been around the world and have lived in places like a busy big city to this serene get-away~ Which one do you like the best"?

She walks towards me, sits next to me.. Inhale~ she yawns big time. Exhale~ and rests her head on my leg.

Good answer Selina.  We sat there until night came, where we will sit on my bed by the open window, I'll smoke my cigarette, and we'll gaze outside.

Diamond

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

I went for a walk.

On this bitter cold, feeling old, soul about sold night, I went for a walk.

I come to an opening in the grassy field.  It was pure destruction.  The very souls of the forest began to flea to escape their damned bodies.  Tree trunks became branches became twigs became wood chips... Leaves became grass blades became nature's confetti.  The rings of fire around my feet lit up the bits and pieces and they burned and flew away into the air like dying dreams.  Everything I saw began to melt into the ground, turning this once peaceful grassy field into a marsh of darkness.

Then... something happened.

I look up to stop the tears from spilling out of my head and there it was.  The moon as big as New York City.  The moon with more shine than a diamond.  The moon that touched me more than you did.  I knew of nothing else but to walk towards it.  As I got closer and closer, I felt lighter and lighter .. Soon, I was walking on air .. Still, walking, flying towards the moon.  I'm so close I can touch it, the yellow moon.  I look down at the place I had levitated from and it seemed calm.  It seemed peaceful and recovering from the fire and shredding that almost ended its world.  Everything is ok now.

I feel the glow of the moon on my face and I reached for the beauty.  It was .. perfect. And the longer my hand stayed the dimmer the moon got and even when I took my hand off, the moon got dimmer, until there was nothing left but darkness.  I could see my reflection on the surface of the moon and the flames still burning from the world below me.

so I flew away .. I found a place in the middle where I was neither closer to the moon or the grassy field.  There .. the moon was brilliant again and the grassy field had sprouted new blades.  All I could hear was the wind grazing the few trees still alive and the moon howling back at them in serenade.

This is where I was .. this is where I am .. just.

could it be? no.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

I didn't know that blinding lights could open my eyes.
I didn't know that an ensemble of cacophonies could by music to my heart.
I didn't know pocket change could be so sweet and filling.
I didn't know sore legs and a frozen nose could feel so good.
I didn't know stale air could smell so ... good.

I do know 1 thing, and I found it by getting lost in the city.
I laid in bed, I stayed up, and fell in love.

[ ~.~ ]

I want ... to split all my glory in half, right down the middle.
I want to eat half as much as I normally would.
I want to wait to flip the page on a new book.
I want to be woken up an hour before I have to.
I want compromise, over shower temperature.
I surrender my freedom to sporadically kick in my sleep.
I want to share, each and every breath.
I give up 50% choice of friday night movies, 
I'll even try bloom, depp, and clooney.
And maybe, I can be late to the things I really want to be on time to, just because I had to wait for someone I really really wanted to wait for.


If I want want want so much, then why must I want want want the opposite as well?
Picking ou all of nature's "mistakes" on what should be the most sacred of creatures.


As the flaws magnify in my eyes, my desires seem to shrink away, til I am lost in a never ending, contradicting, shit-faced, jock and nerd frat party.


What I want... it's simple... find me, find you.
Let's take what we want.


Whirlwinds collide in the night but the taste of morning dew is so sweet.