Resume Workshop

Monday, December 14, 2009

So I sit here, 3 projected hours of learning. "This is how you write your resume"

I wanted to stand out, so good luck to the institution on teaching all of us in this course to be ... different ... together. oxymoron yea?

Anyways, maybe it's the uncomfortable chair, or maybe its the super-duper-over-pronunciation of the instructor.  Perhaps, it's simply the fact that the 23 people who are in this room (myself included) are most likely about to be laid-off.  These 23 faces, focused on the instructor and the slides, focused as if this was a last salvation.  Seldom laughter is perhaps a break from the strain that is between the eyes, the wrinkles from this endeavor.

At first the mood is sad. a depressing, leaving mood.  now, as if challenged by some force of nature, a pack of hyenas looking to devour something... me.  Although I do not really feel this way, this hostility, but some seem to have it, as shown by their questions, or should I say "attacks".  A question with some sort of other purpose + some attitude + some eye rolling + some "im better than you"... I don't enjoy it lol

Now, I can't help but reflect.  Why am I not feeling what they, apparently feel...  Maybe I just have no roots here, or maybe I am so infatuated with the possibilities of the future that what is really happening is irrelevant!  Whatever it is, my natural instincts to fight for survival have not kicked in ... or maybe they have and this is how I handle it?

Who knows.  What a depressing room.  I don't care how many jokes the instructor makes, they're not really that funny.  It's funny how your physical looks inevitably reflect how you feel inside.  inevitable.  "i see how you feel" amazing ~ 0_o

Get me outta here.

Lately

Saturday, December 12, 2009

For the past few weeks, I haven't been writing here...


I haven't been talking about emotions...


I haven't expressed feelings...


I have been however, experiencing.  Only input and minimal output.  Sorting through the infinite knowledge gained in my library, sometimes staying late to catalog a few more stories.  The idea of living life and observing life simultaneously seems, hypothetically impossible.  So the next logical question that will satisfy my curiosity is ...


What shall I do, observe life or live life.  Like the photographer that is in the midst of the battle, he captures glory through the lens.  He reviews it later, and that is how he lives, through a different scope than the ones he was born with.  This man is leaving behind his memory, in 2D.  The story teller leaves behind his memory in his words, and the writer leaves behind his memory on paper.  Is it then, selfish to only live life and not share for the folks who were not fortunate enough to make it to that magnificent display of whatever?


If not sharing life is the selfish route, can the act of living life be even a little bit selfless?  One prominent human characteristic is the desire to have few children and invest a massive amount of time and energy into them.  Could this characteristic carry over to friendship and relationships in general?  I know that some of us rather have MANY MANY "friends", maybe too many to keep track of their current jobs or their marital status, while others like myself have MANY friends, but keep some very close ones.  


Living life can truly the most beautiful of non-selfish acts.


[ Getting lost in the city with your best friends with no pictures to tell the story ]
[ Spittin the best freestyles you have ever heard in your life with no mp3 to hear ]
[ Drawing the most beautiful heart with words "4EVA" only to be wiped away by the tides ]


The stories live in our memories.  Life is lived together as one.

WINTER pt.2 [ the preperation ]

Friday, November 13, 2009

The ice storms are soon to come, but it won't be much warmer in here than out there.
Blizzards may cut through to the veins but nothin compared to the sutrer pain.
Nastalgic dreams seem to overcome everthing during this time, when everything's dying.

What is pain?  It's an undesirable feeling hinting at a change in behavior for the sake of yourself.  But what is that really when everyone was born to die, and in a world of nothingness there is so much beauty.

So you see, pain is nothing, and when you overcome pain, you will fear no other.  I step into the realm of the glacial kingdom blessed with all that I need.  I've got eyes that see no limits, ears that hear no dischordance, and a touch to melt the ice...

When I smell the scent of the rose in the barren land... will this be my poison or strength?

We'll see~

Breathe

Friday, October 16, 2009

[ Today, the company I work for held a worldwide internet conference, where colleagues from all around the world tuned in to listen to the CEO and his close staff speak ]

The importance of this meeting was not about what is happening or how is teh company's decision effecting me specifically, it was about how much hope the leaders of the company can give to everyone.  Their smiles, led me to believe that they would end the meeting and go back to their offices and think about the tens of thousands whose lives will be changed forever.  Mine can be one of them, maybe not, but there's a possibility.  So while all the company's politics is on the runway and everyone is engaged speculating on where their role is in the near and distant future and if they would have to work elsewhere, I sit, dreaming.  I sit and dream as I did last week and the week before that, about how everything can lead to anything.  

The question that is on everyone's minds right now is simply, what's next (am I next)?  Simple human characteristic of wishing for something they can't handle, asking for the future.  So I zoom out into space again, looking at Earth from above.  The calm and peaceful trades winds stretching from Asian to America, looks like the swirl in my coffee mug.  The GREAT wall of China, nothing but an imperfection on my work shirt.  Like a jigsaw puzzle, we go in close to fit 2 pieces together, and come back up to see the big picture just to zoom in onto the next 2 pieces.  The beauty of zooming out at a time like this is that nothing seems to matter.  The world is at peace, the world is one, and everything is together.  The universe is quite and serene, even the sun is dim up here. 

And now, we take a deep breath, brace ourselves for re-entry, and dive back down to Earth.  A place where the most apparent useless decision will become your biggest enemy, a place where a helping hand could mean millions of government funding or 10 seconds of a stranger's time.  This is where I live, Earth, a place of chaos and fighting, a place where love is everywhere but sometimes hidden.  I love every second of it, and I love everyone living here.  Out there in space, is where I spend my nights, dreaming away, Earth gazing... but this is where I live, my home, my planet.  One nation, under the stars.   

Going Crazy ... But Came Back.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

As I sit in the gaze towards the stars in the blackness,
one of them protrudes and captures me with brightness.
I watch it like the way we kept eye contact, 
and I wished it would never go away.

One moment after this one, it disappears, dims quickly into nothing.
I wondered how long ago it died.  Was it last century, or lightyear?
I wish I knew the answers to any questions,
like why our eyes never stopped looking,
or why the moment of all moments becomes just another moment after another moment passes.


Forget I ever said anything, it really doesn't matter.
As time passes, we all become, just gasses.
Flying in space without any direction, what it the ultimate goal?
How could there be any purpose to life.. to anything.


We are living, we want to be living.
Something tells us, life is important, keep life.
Life is a word, and the concept "to be alive" is created by us.
As children, I believe we would be content with an answer like, 
we live and hope to go to heaven one day, where we will be happy forever.


If someone answered me with that today, I would not understand.
Now I know of grief, now I know of anguish, now I know of the emotions that create pain.
Now I wonder why we live.
What if heaven did not exist, what if life did not exist?
Could it matter .. would you miss it?


To understand somewhat why anything is here, 
I believe we must live forever.
If we are not eternally existing, then the purpose of life is meaningless.
Therefore... we are eternally existing, and we have a purpose?


Of course, with my thinking, it always comes back to the girl.
The one that will make me not care about why we live.
Because when the moment comes and our eyes gaze into eachother,
the meaning of life is found.


How naive, a young boy thinking love is true.
How brave, a boy wasting his life on love.
How beautiful, I say, love is.

Home Improvement

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Another gorgeous day in St. Louis county.  Breezy air mixed with a light glow from the sun and an ever so perfect dying green.  It was a father and son day apparently, as my dad and I drove out for errands, including looking at the new house.

My parents decided that it would be a good idea to build a new house that is very nice and actually worthy of their salaries?  So we drive to the house and the construction is at the stage where enough frames have been put up to noticed the garage and basement but not enough to consider it a solid floor plan yet.  So we head on down around the back to the basement where it is dark and kind of relief and hide from the sun.  

My dad takes out his video camera and begins to record the empty basement.  I did not know why he was recording, but I figured that he sees something that I don't.  He records for a bit then turn the camera off and turns to me.  "Hey, this place is perfect for that library!  O, here, it's so nice to be able to have an entertainment center right here!  And over there, we can put the ping pong table!  We have so much room!"  Those words did not excite me one bit.  Those words did not excite a young male recent graduate from college looking for the city life in Manhattan, New York.  But I was smiling behind my father's back regardless.  I guess it was his smile as he said those things that made me smile the same.  I was not happy for us, but I was happy for him.  This was genuine, his wrinkles looked more pleasant now than the other set of wrinkles used for frowning.  This smile is rare or me, I don't get to witness it often, as he is bounded by the American corporate work force and driven home by his company to irritation.  He walks to our basement where he plans a new company's details with his friends and my mom, hoping to hit it big and quit his job.

I couldn't be happy for us.. It wasn't what I wanted at all, but it was what my dad wanted, and it was as if he had fulfilled some realistic dream.  I wondered.. wouldn't it be great if we could enjoy this and be happy together?  It was sad that my smile was for him and not us as a family.. I sometimes see the sports families where the father was a ex-pro and the son is now going to play college ball as a starter and they are eating at the same place my family is eating at, and they seem.. happy, together.  As my family sits at the table, all three of us, I can't help but think, why are they happier than we are?  Then I realized.. we are happy.  The coach dad pats the son on the back in a moment if frozen in time would make the next feel good Superbowl commercial, while mom sitting there starts to ask about my day at work, then move on and ask my father the same.  We were not happy like the other family, but we were happy, for each other.  We cared about eachother, maybe a little too much that sometimes my dad's a total douche bag about it.

Will my family ever be like any other?  I don't want to be like any other family.  This is me and these are my parents.  I want to live in the city, they want to live in a peaceful quiet place where you can hand out candy to the trick or treaters during Halloween.

I guess with the passing of my grandfather, I am finally feeling the circle of life calling me.  The force can be overwhelming, making you do things.. things you might regret the next day, but in 8 months, make you smile like you've never before and hate yourself for ever regretting what you did.  This subject makes me smirk.. just the idea of having a kid, simply because I know right now I'm set on not doing something "stupid".  But maybe someday?  The idea of 100% responsibility over another life, and the idea of knowing that as long as you love him, he will love you back is a little bit appealing.  Maybe when I am done traveling the world living my dreams, I will create life like I was born to do, because it would be a shame if I tried to live my dreams through him =)

Ignoring all the differences that "should" be there between parents and children, my smile for my father was the type that said: "I don't get why you are so happy, I couldn't see myself in your shoes, but it warms me that you are enjoying life".  Someday.. maybe.. i doubt it.. but maybe.. when I have my own child, and I could smile as a father and know that I am smiling for not just me but us.  

So as I smile.. at my father's enthusiasm towards planning the new unfinished, not even close to being completed, basement, I'm sure he's smiling behind my back too.

haha I thought this song would be appropriate LOL ^_~Vm
~ Click here to listen to the appropriate song ...

Saturday, October 3, 2009

There really is no limitations to what we can do.
Society puts these rules on us and we must obey some,
in hopes of living in some sort of harmony.
There's these foundational grounds set by everyone from yesterday
and administered by everyone today.
It will always be like this, it's the societies intuitive path.


Even though those rules exist, you can bend them.
It depends on how creative you are with what you've got.
It depends on how bold you are to try it out.
It depends on character and it depends on strength.


All those things are taken into consideration no matter what you are trying to do.
The moment you step foot into the arena, those foundational rules become intuition, 
and the rest is up to you.


Free to do whatever you wish.
Free to dance.

WINTER pt.1 [ the prediction ]

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

More of nature's debris on man's road,
indicating the fall of summer and summoning of fall.
Swoosh swoosh becomes swoosh swoosh swoosh,
as nature's street sweeper cleans with one mighty breath.
I've been waiting for this since the end of it last year.
three hundred and some odd days and now the brisk cold air,
chills down my spine and yet the windows are still down welcoming the wind into my hair.


I wonder how this fall will turn to winter.
Will it be one snow storm til one white Christmas, 
or will it play the tease and lead me on?


I wonder how my heart will do this fall.
Will it be smashed under the rocks like the rocks under the snow,
or will I rise above defeat before too long?


Only time can tell,
only the rotation of our home can tell.
Only the few wise men can say if this will be the coldest of all winters,
or if we could put on our swimming trunks and dip into the warm pool of December.


At last, I believe I am one of those wise men,
as intuition has it, 
it is already telling me the story of this winter through the stories of last winters.
With each falling leaflet, comes a fragment of truth and imagination.
Each breath is followed by only sighs as it seems.


No more stressful than the last day, 
My pocket is still full with each pay.
Somehow the days seem to drag on, and the sad songs play on.
As I fight every urge of hibernation,
my heart leads me to the falling temptation.


This winter will be cold, and I'll be looking for shelter.
But I'll wear my coat and walk through the snow until I've found her.
Surely two of the four seasons can't be all that bad.
I could find pleasure in mother's gift.
Been through this before, so why should this time be any different...
Then I remembered... I've been through this before and this time won't be any different.

If the leaves will sway away from green, let them be the most beautiful colors we've ever seen.

If it will snow, let it be the whitest snow we've ever seen.

If it's going to be cold, let it be the coldest air we've ever tasted,

then maybe we can't stand being alone this winter, and look for eachother.

I will cry this winter, so that the tears fallen can freeze in the dead winter.
When the next sun shines, my frozen tears will shine for you to see.
Because when the sun fades away, I will be left here again.


I will cry this winter, so that the tears fallen can freeze in the dead winter.
They will fall to the ground and shatter for you to hear.


Before she disappears into the spring air, I will meet the queen of my winter.

Little Ones <3

Sunday, September 27, 2009

A beautiful day for grilling.  wind is blowing softly outside, the sun is partly covered by the bright white clouds.  parents are NOT arguing about something... amazing.

I go outside, everything is ready!  I open the grill and wow.. a nest of some sort is under the metal rack.. under how?  apparently there is a hole on the bottom of the grill.  The grill is on the deck which is second floor.  for the mother to bring the materials in and out of the grill is just amazing.. with 5 little ones strapped to her side none the less this whole time!!

So i wanted to save the family. carefully i tried to move the nest into a shoebox.. but the mother had different ideas.. she BOLTED OUT and just PEACED with 2 babies.. leaving 3 of them behind ... 


I don't want pets! So I make a nest out of a shirt and put it in the shoe box and the 3 are sleeping together in the little home.  The night will be long little ones, but your mom will come back! I know she will...  I hope...

<3

 K.. to ruin the cutesy moment ... i went to lowe's today to return something. and in the line in front of me .. was a man with 4 nostrils. yes. FOUR FUCKIN NOSTRILS. next time you bitch about 1 pimple on your face.. think about the man with 4 nostrils.. the end ~

Tired. Need to Paint More Tomorrow. *YAWN*

Before Going to bed. Pictures and Video!

(Just going through my photobucket for some old photos) ^_^Vm

yay for fake contacts!

 I miss my Kitty CHAN!!~

I miss my Bunny Rabbit!! DORA!!~

below is one of the illest battles ever xD

Maybe it's possible to never grow old.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

A different setting from last week, and even the week before that.

It is quite empty and simple; I've torn the blinds down and removed everything from my wall to get it ready for painting a different color.  The color outside the window is a dim natural one.  Nothing much outside my window, just lot of trees.. in fact, that's all I see as I gaze out there now.  They're waving their arms, getting pictures taken by the photographer in the sky, they must feel alive when it rains.

Bach's Cello Suite #1 Prelude on repeat and this moment reminds me much of Pittsburgh.  The young days, the days where the only worries came from the toy in the cereal box and saving general green from the plastic tanks.

[ in pittsburgh ]
On Saturdays, my mom or sometimes my aunt would take me and my cousins, Peng and Liann to the Oakland district, where Pittsburgh University was located.  There was a children library, where I spent a very memorable portion of my days there, digging for an interesting read.. which meant at that time, something about spiders or penguins.  After that was the park, sometimes crowded, but some days, it was cleared out, no one there but us.  It felt like something has happened to everyone, but we didn't care.  All we cared about was how high we could get on that swing and how fast we could go down that slide.

Those were happy things about my childhood, and in fact, the first Saturday in Oakland, it was raining, and those are the only things I remember.. or maybe I want to remember.  Pittsburgh was my first impression of America for me, and it was beautiful.  The old, gothic architecture and aged bricks that held the buildings high even after all these years.  Later on, the drive home in the Lincoln, windows down, wind swoosh.. swoosh in my ears.  breezy feel on my face.  My eyes got dry from staring outside too hard, but once again.. I didn't care, this was too good to miss.

So when did I grow up?  Did I really grow up?  I think the day that I stop digesting my surroundings like it was the first time I've been there.. or when my life is completely dependent on what they think of me.. or when the rain can't comfort me anymore.  That is the day that I no longer wish to be "grown up". 

Oakland - Pittsburgh.

[ this is crazy.  i can see the front and back of my house.  it's pouring in the front, but nothing in the back!!! o wait.. there it goes ^_~Vm ]

forever young.

CHYEAAAAAAAAAA!!!~

The Boy That Dreamed Too Hard and Stayed That Way.

Friday, September 25, 2009

~ my guardian angel told me one day, if you dream too hard, you'll stay that way.  so i did ~

1 hour drive to New Haven, CT. from New London, CT.  2 hour train ride to New York City, NY. from New Haven, CT.  3 hour walk in New York City, NY.  reverse ~ and what happened between it all was pure, nothing but, magic.

So I visited Manhattan today, went by myself, no ipod, no luggage, nothing, just me and a pack of camels.  As I got out of the Grand Central train station, the sights began immediately.  The tall buildings that you would expect, the many people that you would expect, flashing lights, neon lights, hidden star lights.. it was all there and beautiful just like in the movies.  I did not ask for directions, I turned left and knew I was right.  I followed the smell of street food, I followed the flow of the tourist river, I followed my heart.


It was amazing.. sensory overload.  After that wore off in a few minutes, I needed more, so I started to find my way to the square that defined a time in history.  It wasn't hard to find, the louder it got, the closer i got.  the brighter it got, the closer i got.  the closer i got, my smile grew and grew.  billboards EVERYWHERE, M&Ms, McDonalds, Chase Bank, ESPN, UFC, EVERYTHING.. in the heart of it all.  


boom boom.  boom boom.  they came in the veins and left through the arteries.  a land of culture and a land of massive propaganda.  i loved it.  yea, it might be the biggest sellout of a few blocks in the city, but it was the most mesmerizing sellout i've ever witnessed.  of course, that was just another sensation that i got used to, so i walked away, to the limbs of the city that were all so important to its survival.  it was just as glorious as the heart of the city, i saw parks, more taxis, heard more honking and there .. the lightbulb went off again.


i love that place.  from the establishments with hopeful names, like winter theater, or casablance hotel, to the thousands of fans staring up at the galaxy of stars.  this was not a superficial city as everyone says.  this is a city of glory and most of all, this is the city of dreams.  it's been said before, i know, but it takes a 3 hour journey by yourself to truly realize what it means to you.


the couples holding hands, the singles walking alone, the old people walking ever so slowly, the kids running with energy.. these were the people of the world.  this was life.  it would be a constant reminder that you are apart of this greater whole; we all are.  of course, i could remind myself of that by tacking a sticky note to the top left corner of my tv and read it before bed and after waking up night and day, but.. *yawn* boringgggg ~ 


i needed something to show me that i am still young,
i needed something to show me that i am growing old.
i needed something to breath air into my lungs,
i needed something to cure this cold.

And yet, after all the big city dreaming, your image was on the mega-screen in time square.  your face was on every billboard, and i wanted to buy whatever you were selling.  Your smile was resonating in every happy tourist and your sorrow was living in every new yorker.  

dreaming of the city was really about dreaming of you,
and to survive in my world, dreaming is what i must do.

Super-Mega-Side-Note*: I'm walkin down 5th.. and its dark, im not lookin down because all the shiny lights are up so why would i look down.. buuuuut i should have cuz i stepped on something.. something squishy.  and while my foot was still on the something, it bolted out from under my foot.  creeped out already, i look under and back.. i see this giant fuckingggg RAT run and slide into the grate in the sidewalk.  *chills* faq0fjwfw9jf-932j329-j [>_<]Vm 

in other words... please be true. in other words..

What I've Got

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

I have 1 job at a major corporation and they hook me up.  As I type this, im in a hotel suite with many luxuries. The company pays for me to learn and develop as professional and individual, I pay them back with my work because it's fun.


I have 2 loving parents.  They've been with me through it all.  Through all the shit I've made them go through.  As I type this, im in a hotel hoping they are doing well back home and not worrying about me too much.


I have a pretty face.  A lot of girls have liked it, like it, and will like it.  As I type this, im in a hotel suite thinking about how I'm pretty good looking and lucky to be that way.


I have a big ass house.  There's a grand piano that I play often in a room that is nicely furnished.  There's a big TV and big bed, a guitar, a ceiling fan for those hot summer nights, and lots of nice things to make me comfortable.  As I type this, im in a hotel wishing i was in my house at home, eating the food my parents made for me.


I have many dreams.  I dream of becoming rich and traveling the world (totally possible).  I dream of owning my own blueberry winery maybe with some best friends (totally possible).  Before that, I dream of living in Manhattan and having the city life (Toooootally possible ^_^).  As I type this, im in a hotel dreaming... about all the things that are in store for me in the near and distant future.


I have a heart... that wont STFU.  He loves and loves and loves, even though he keeps getting broken.  He pumps blood to the rest of my body, and all the blood is broken when he is broken, so I start to act all funny.  As I type this, im in a hotel loving, listening to my heart even though he's maybe too brave and too naive.


~ I have a conclusion, for now at least.  No matter how much I have, I feel like I have so much less.  No, I'm not going down that road and throwing away all that I have, superficial or not, for that 1 thing that I want and don't/can't have.  No, I'm not going down that road and forgetting about the 1 thing that I want and don't/can't have.  Instead, I am going down my own road, maybe alone for now, but I know someday I won't be going down that road alone.


With the love I've got, I'll roam this earth, living as the ghost of lovers passed and lovers present and lovers future.  If you see me one day, don't forget to smile and tell me your name.  It just might ring a bell and he'll hear it.. and I'll listen and tear the key off my neck and he'll be yours.


@{-------------


on a side note. Surrogates is Friday. I think I'm catching the midnight premiere in Manhattan. ZOMG. AWESOME~

Pot Head Or Not ...

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Einstein said that everything is relative.  He was speaking of physics mainly.. i think .. well let's apply that to our lives some more.  

The universe is infinitely large, and if the Earth decided to blow up one day, that would be no more than a spek of dust drifting in the universe.  We have no proof of supernatural existence, I like to dream, but I don't think there exists anything after death.  With that said, I can now say that our lives are pretty fucking meaningless.  It's meaningless because we are born to die, because every second of our lives makes no difference in this giant world.  Even if it did, so what?!  I ate the wrong brownie and made the universe explode.. so what.. SO FUCKING WHAT LOL


I will post longer posts when I get back home from business tripping ^_^


all you need is love (the beatles were right).

The Lottery

Saturday, September 19, 2009

I went to the gas station today and bought a lottery ticket.  It's called the Missouri Power Ball.  What an intense name.. POWER! BALL! 

Anyways, as I was driving there, I began thinking about what I would do with $100 million dollars.  That's a lot of money... A LOT of POWER BALL!

a) move to New York City and own/teach at my own dance studio
b) start that desert place business that I've always wanted
c) be an actor/model/musician (professional)


Either way, $100 million is a lot of goodness.

The best thing about the lottery is obviously winning it, but most of us about 99.9% of us, will NOT win the lottery.  That's a tough pill to swallow, but it must be swallowed because statistically it is near impossible to win the lottery.  But what human being lives their life in statistics?  Who honestly base all their actions in a given day on statistics? I for one, do not.  Life is a string of events leading you one place to another, and there are infinite variables to consider if you were to predict the true implications of 1 action, just 1, and imagine all the actions that are linked with that 1 actions.

Winning the lottery would be amazing, the dawn of a new era, a time of absolute freedom of choice, a time of carefree living.  This is not the first time I've bought a lottery ticket.  In the past, I've gotten some numbers to match up, not enough to win the big jackpot. 

I've been spending a lot of time and effort trying to find someone that I could spend the rest of my life with.  Through many people, I've learned to dream.  I've learned to dream of a beautiful house, a cute pup, a sunset that was unforgettable... with "our" names written across the sky.  In fact hoping for the best and wishing to have found the one every time feels strangely like buying a lottery ticket.  The hope of, WHAT IF I won, what would I do with the money?  Would I travel to Paris? Would I buy a house? I would, and write our names all over it, so that the world would know that we are the king and queen of lovers, and we would last forever in our kingdom we call Earth.

Third time's the charm!  Fourth time's the charm!  Fifth time's the charm ... how long would I play this lottery before I get sick and tired of losing?  Is it really about winning, or is it about dreaming of the jackpot?  Could I just save my money and buy something nice instead?  I talked about what I would do with the money with friends and we've had a good laugh, even talked about charity, where we'd donate ALL of the money, and be left at square one =)


The truth is, winning the lottery would be magic.  Sometimes you get something unforgettable and worth hanging on to for the rest of your life without winning a dam thing.  That is the most beautiful thing about the lottery.

I've tried many times, and have not won the lottery.  yet.  <3

Nostalgia

Friday, September 18, 2009

It all started about 20 minutes ago at the intersection.

Surrounded by a sea of metal, felt like I was floating in this warm water and letting the current drift me home.  I still remember that image not long ago vividly.  The sun was at the perfect radiance; its glow matched the scenery with absolute beauty.  Not too bright, foreshadowing a dark night, as shadows begin to grow in height.  

The red light stays as if it wants me to remember this moment.  I sit, the sounds around me are dimmed with the light.  The shouting of little kids in the cars, the louder they got, the younger I felt.  I heard my own voice in theirs, and saw my grandma's face in their parent's faces.  Could it just be another nostalgic episode, or something more ... I haven't had this feeling in a long while.  Not since I've been blessed at the sunset with a hand in mine, not since I've come home after playing and dinner was served.

I sat there for a long while, until the stop light thought it appropriate to change itself to green.  I moved slowly, as if inching toward the white line at the light.  Swooshing sounds in my ear reminded me of when I ran outside and played tag.  The descend down the hill after the light reminded me of when I stood outside my aunt's house and looked down the hill at her place only caring about how fast I can go on the bike down it, with my cousins fighting aloud and lovingly in the background.

Time had been lost, and so was my mind.  Turning right and going straight all at the same time, and the car that passed me is still behind me.  As I caught the sun every half second between the branches, I fell into more oblivion.  The opening brought the sun full force to the right side of my face.  This was happiness.  For some reason, there was no smile on my face, still isn't.  Maybe I just miss the past because I don't like the present.  Maybe I'm too picky and maybe it was a reminder of what the future needs to be for an accepting, peaceful death.

Whatever it was, it was confusing, messed up, and beautiful. 

The song I listened to as I had these thoughts.

Simply a feeling

Thursday, September 17, 2009

The night grows cold and what's left is the random patterns of tar on the concrete.
A place where the shadow of me is the only companion, the only real perception of me.
My friend created by the brilliance of the street lamps only to disappear with the coming of day,
a time when no more creature can roam freely without facing the might of man.

Back to the night time, a time where the sounds of animals in the forestry come alive.
Back to the right time, a time when the only sound I hear is the whisper in my ear.
I do miss it, more than anything, the slight downward curve that connects the dots that are your ears.
I do miss it, more than everything, the perched promise that speaks with no words.

As the legs grow heavy, I can only say, let's go, bring it home.
I speak to my shadow, but he seems to be hiding from me, making me truly, alone.
Under-estimated the harshness of the new world,
like opening a window then closing it, realizing the room just became stuffy.
And when you try to open the window again, you realized that it has been nailed shut.
So you try so hard to open the door to go outside but realized again that it has been nailed shut.

fuck.

Evaluating my options like any reasonable person would, the funny thing is,
a reasonable person wouldn't feel the way I feel.
That is funny, but for some reason I'm not laughing and still feel this way,
the sun is smiling as if mocking me, at my weakness as he continues to shine the day.

I've been plotting, and when night comes, this shit will be over.
I'll blow a hole in the wall and escape into the night, where I belong, outside.
Though safety becomes an issue, my spirit will be freed.

Next problem, that insomniac heart, the one that can't rest til he finds the best.
So he radiates out of my chest, making me the walking fire fly.
Out to search day and night, for the right one, for the only one.
He has been fooled no doubt, but he sure is persistent, and because of it is taking at toll on me.

But somehow, I like where he's going, and yet I don't know where he's going.
I dream about the final destination to get me through.
Finding the hope from anything, flowers and air that keep me dedicated.
Through the sea of fire flies I see myself in every one of them,
and yet we are so concentrated by the driving light of the heart,
we don't see much else around us.

So I wonder and wander into the night,
a place where nothing is wrong and nothing is right.
The only thing that will break me free from the romantic slavery is her.
I don't know where my heart is taking me, but it's to her.
To home, where I'll grow old and die.

And after death will be another journey, but this time with her right next to me.
But for now, this journey.

And I've been lying this whole time, the heart no matter what he does, is still my heart.
And my eyes are set, focused in.
Praying for the right calculations, I walk.. into the shadowy night.
If I could, I would fold the paper moon into a paper airplane and ride it to you.
From then on, we'd never come down.

Till that day, fight.. fight.. all for the the flight.

****sigh****

Remember when you REALLY, REALLY wanted that Super Nintendo for Christmas.. well, I didn't get it, and I was cool with it.  Played with my cousins so it's all good ~

Remember when you REALLY REALLY wanted that new Ipod touch for Christmas.. well, I didn't get it, and I was cool with it.  Played with my old mp3 player so it's all good ~

Remember when you were in love with that girl, but you couldn't be with her for a reason other than she doesn't like you.. well, I remember, and it is the story of my life.

Something about that makes me want to be in a place where anything's possible.   I want to be in a place where the streets are filled with culture, people and things, dynamic everyday.  If I can't be with you, I'll need the world to fit my needs perfectly to even try to come close.  I want to be with everyone yet alone.

Living The Dream (as a hopeless romantic)

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

So..

@ age 5, I wanted to become the president of China.  Stood on the bed with my right hand raised in salute as the news played the national anthem at 6pm.
@ age 6, I remember drawing my first imaginary house.
@ age 10, I moved to the United States and saw the overacting, genius that was Jim Carey.  That inspired me to become an actor (perhaps not the overacting, but the more Academy type).  
also @ age 10, I continued to explore drawing houses and buildings (I wish I still had some to post up, but they got lost through the many moves... -__-)
@ age 11, with the influence of my parents, I began to think of a more "practical", or more stable and safe career path.  I obviously choose.. Architecture.


from age 11-15, I continued to live and play as a kid should, while under some pressure from the Asian family mindset.  I believed that I would grow up and design some great skyscrapers that would sit in the heart of New York City and forever become a landmark to anyone who has or wants to visit the city.  It would become the symbol of American freedom~  or so I dreamed.. as my parents crushed it with ease.


@ age 16, the college application process began and the rents revealed their true intentions and master plan for my life.  I applied to University of Michigan College of Engineering and got in.
@ age 17, I completed High School with the most oblivious mindset, not knowing what was to come, more importantly, not caring about what's to come, or even attempting to think about it.
@ age 18, I move to Michigan and sort of begin the rest of my life.


What does any of this have to do with living the dream?  Well, clearly I have not and probably will not be able to achieve the dreams I've had growing up, President, Actor, Architect, in their true essence.  Of course, who really does.. Who grows up wanting to go to the moon and actually goes to the moon, a few of us, but not most.


I was actually quite shook in college when I realized that I was studying something I had "slight" interest in, but I kept with it because it was the "right" thing to do.  I must say, I've learned so much from being an Engineer, whether it's some actual interest that was dormant deep down, or coincidence, or me trying to make my parents proud.. whatever it is, I made the best out of my academia years.


~ FIRST YEAR OF COLLEGE ~


This is the year that changed me and reshaped my entire core.
Her name was, well, we'll call her JK.  She was the first real love of my life, beyond high school crushes, and beyond the superficial.  This was the first time I've felt the meaning of love.  I must say, it ainnnnn't bad! ^_^.

365 days later.. 

<3 Picked myself up and glued the pieces back together so I can move on... and I did. 

3 years later..

<3 Picked myself up and glued the pieces back together so I can move on... and I did.

I am in a very strange place right now.  Can't explain yet, perhaps another day, not after a 5 hour practice session.



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So how does living your dreams and finding love in college have anything to do with eachother?


For me, love has become the new dream.  The next thing after Architecture.  It has been since that first day when I found it.  The difference between this and the other ones, is that, I do not need to use it to make a living, to feed me and shelter me.  Something I can love for what it is, all the happiness and all the heartbreaks of it.  So I guess you could say, love set me on my path for the rest of my life.  Wherever my career takes me, this love thing will always be with me, because whether I've been hurt by this sensation or not, I want it.


Love is forever.  Its metamorphosis is in the air we breathe, in the moon that shines just outside our windows, and on the park benches around the world.  Something that will never go away, even til the last day of the Earth, where love will live in the galaxies far beyond our time.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ age 23, I begin working at Pfizer as Solution Engineer (research informatics).  Not the dream job I've thought about since I could start to think about a career, but it is feeding me.
Love lives on my cubicle wall as I glance up once in a while at my reminders for hope.  Love lives in the CD that plays as I drive to and from work everyday.

~ love is the true undying dream ~ 

Reading

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Just got 2 books,

"The Wretched of the Earth" - Frantz Fanon
- should be scary and thought provoking

"Fables, Legends in Exile" - Medina Willingham and Hamilton Leialoha
- should be dooooooope!~

First Day Of My Life

Monday, September 14, 2009

I've asked many of my friends this question, "do you think you're wasting your time"?  Most have replied, "yes".  (question was regarding some issue, not just in general)

Well friends, here is my take.

I don't think time can be wasted, in our short human years on this planet.  Take a mundane, "busy work" task, where you are doing something over and over again, eventually without thinking.  From an engineer's perspective, efficiency can be improved if "busy work" exists.  Thus, more time is opened for something else, maybe your own leisure, to be with others.  In other words, to have more time that is "not wasted".

The fact is, every second in our life time is there, it exists.  As I write this, I am spending time to write it, and it can't be wasted, because something is happening.  Our hearts are pumping, slower and faster to the beat of another.  Not a second is to be wasted, and not a second can be wasted.

Maybe the real issue here is expectations, where we expect to have fun or to relax rather than "wasting our time" doing something we do not wish to do.  If we could only open our eyes to see that every moment of our lives should be cherished and made into something unforgettable.  This is the beauty of love, something to make you forget what is wasteful and what is not.  Every second being bored, is another moment in your time together.  So for you singlees (0_o?) and singlettes out there, experience the moment for what it is, unblind your eyes from the society shades and truly experience, everything.  I know all of us have had the emo moments in our lives, and the beauty of life has somehow sprung out of mine.  Broken hearts can love more,
but some are afraid, but why be afraid.  

Once a friend told me, "life is too short".  Of course it is.  That's not to say be happy all the time and ignore all the terrible things that happen because life is too short.  No, not at all.  Embrace every moment, through bliss and bitterness, and you will have strength. 

Something amazing happens everyday.  You just have to open those eyes and see it happen.  Some may say creativity is childish, but it doesn't have to be!  Life is beautiful everywhere at anytime.  Though emotions can bring us down, it can only get better.

-- Life as a naive, beautiful hopeless romantic.