I have been ridiculously busy so there hasn't been time to do something religiously for fun. For example, following anime, playing maple story, downloading new music, etc.
I guess I don't make time for those things because I don't see the future value of it. Although, I really just.. want to. I don't really know what that says about me and what I want.
So now, I have a little bit of time (maybe 30 minutes) everyday and also on the weekends freed up. It is not enough to do the things I want to do religiously because I don't know for how long my time will be free. Anyways, I don't want to get started on something and end up having to stop after a short while.. So episodic things like.. movies, which I had been watching before bed~
It was another summer day. Temperature was warm enough to walk outside with a tank top and shorts on. I get out of the elevator and walk across the street to the Village Corner convenient store. "Pack of silvers please", as I place the Canada Dry and Orange Faygo on the counter. I pay the tatted man and take my change.
I felt that slight breeze on my face as I left the store. Magnificent. The 19 story apartment building was only across the street on the opposite corner. I take the elevator up to the 9th floor. The elevator was old with cream colored walls and a button missing the 13th floor. We frequently make fun of the people living on the 14th floor because they are just lying to themselves.
So I make a right out of the elevator and then a quick left. I open the door, and the night is nothing short of perfection.
It was a dope trip. Got to see some homeboys and homegirls, battled with my crew, soaked in the AA air, ate the nostalgic food...
I learned two of what I consider very important things.
On the way home from the airport and listening to my parents talk, I came to the realization that there are some people that will never really change. This doesn't mean I won't love them forever.
I've also been asked about what love is. I can't say what it is, but I can say that my kind of love can only be defined by whoever she is, not myself.
So of course, back to the grind, back to the lab. PEACE!
The pond looks cold outside, it's shivering. As the wind rides along the surface, my mind wanders with it as the water is rippling. A mind full of matter, can't seem clear the chitter chatter. It's hardly productive, but strangely seductive.
No more talk of tears and sadness, no more heartbreaking investment and depression. Just me and my dreams until my days are done, forsake my soul but I remain the faithful one.
Links drawn, with the senses gone, waiting for the day when the dead rise at dawn. When all hope is lost, I will save you, but not without selfish tendencies, to fulfill my pleasure of satisfaction. Saving your ass will hopefully generate some type of friendly reaction,reminding me of God's constant question.
The answer will be no and I'm not sorry, and I know that as time goes on, things change. We will never get along. You see ... it is more imperative that you take care of the ones I love and if not, then let insanity fill your essence because you are no better than the devil.
I better get used to pain because there will be an eternity of it. I will sit in heaven still lost because you are in another world, or bathe in the inferno as I see your face of pain for the rest of time.
Life is beautiful, look inside the heart you stole. Riddled with magic and dreams of a better tomorrow. When your world needs a hero, just sit tight, I'll swim through the burning coals, climb the stairway with you on my back.
The beauty lies in the last tear of the solitary soul.
I can't truly move forward until I have accepted everything that is now.
I am not a bad person neither am I a good person. Sometimes I am selfish and sometimes I am selfless.
I'm a little bit shy, a little bit bold. I'm a little bit scared, a little bit brave. I'm a little bit clumsy, a little bit genius.
No matter what I am, I am all me. This is me, whatever it is. Whatever this life is that I have, it is mine. No matter what words try to sway me away from my destiny, whether by intention or inadvertently, and no matter what forces try to move me from my path, truth be told, I move forward.
Acceptance is difficult, but not impossible. In the infinite universe that we exist, nothing is impossible. There is no limit to time and space so why should there be a limit to the human spirit? Rhetorical questions sometimes lead to the best answers.
Could the world spin when my dreams have shattered to pieces? It can and it will. But can I pick up those pieces and keep striding? I can and I will.
"There are miracles in life I must achieve, but first I know it starts inside of me" - R. Kelly
On that highway that I wished was at least reminiscent of infinity, on the highway of infinity, I could be fearless. On that highway, I could be free. Then I would look to the passenger seat and no one would be there. I would turn around for a second and say "that was dope!" and no one would be there in the back seat either to agree or refute.
Is this how it is? Is this who I am?
I stopped at the light. It didn't look like the past, it was a stern reminder that this is reality, this is my life as is. Everything looked different. The sway of the lamp posts in the wind seemed to shout "wake up" and every swooshing wind through the window was crying out for a change.
The glory that was Rome, is of another day. Indeed.
I left my heart somewhere, I can't find it. Even if I saw it sitting there in the plain open view, I don't know if I would be able to recognize it.
No, this isn't running away. For once, I'll leave this all behind. The tugs on my shirt and pant leg will bring warmth to my heart, but I doubt I will feel anything but the cool breeze of the highway.
Don't get it twisted, yall stamped my soul nice. yall stamped it with love. yall were real. When the catalyst is remove, there is peace.
So I needed to go to Walgreen down the street thinking it was still opened at 12:12am. It wasn't... So I drove on to Wal-mart.
The road was empty, not a soul to drive with. The music played on and everything had felt like the past. The coming on of the brisk spring air through the windows, the slight mist, the deer crossing the road. It was all a dream I thought... I wanted drive and drive. I didn't want to stop, not for anything. At every stop light, I sat there and looked around. Although I had moved into a new house, everything looked so familiar as if I hadn't moved yet. I so desperately wanted to turn the clock back and go back, but of course. I couldn't.
I kept driving.. past where I used to live, past where I went everyday, past my high school, past where I used to drive past. The parking lot was deserted. I thought, yes! I had Wal-mart all to myself! Of course, as fate has it, it is closed as well. I turn around towards the car and as I walked I wished I would look behind me to see a swarm of angry, red eyed, mad men running towards me looking for flesh. I so wished for the zombie apocalypse. I imagined it as the only salvation, ironically. Of course, there was no 24 hour store here anymore.. No all nighters to just wander and wonder what we would do if zombies were chasing us.
I got in the car and kept driving. The feelings remained. For every ounce of tears that wanted to escape, an ounce of blood in my heart told me not to cry. I didn't want to lose a bit of the story that was instilled in my tears. This was what I was holding on to? A childish wish for the end of the world so that we would be the only ones left? Maybe I always wish for childhood.. maybe we all do.
I imagined the streaks in the sky as superheroes who were flying off the earth because they couldn't live here anymore. I so desperately wanted to fly away with them. Of course, as fate has it.. I couldn't fly. I couldn't drive on.. to no where, to anywhere, around the world until I got back to where I started.
Shortness of breath kicks in, maybe that was my heart's hint, to turn around and go home, the only place I've known, to offer protection and safety, but one day that will be gone, so long! I'd say, I would salute to the past and shake the future's hand. But unlikely, unlikely I would ever shake future's hand, I'm more likely to smack him in the face demanding my life back demanding every little detail white or black, demanding like a little bitch that I couldn't move on. So long...
Can someone truly accept anything, or are we always in acceptance?
The breeze that grazed my hair past my eyes reminded me of the picture you took when I was driving. Don't remind me, it's behind me... But I turned around and stayed behind and said "fuck you Noah.. leave us.. I'd rather rot in the darkness.." There, I turned to stone, immortalized with a broken heart.
I think about how these words could never truly spell out what the h.e.a.r.t. is saying. Tonight I will listen like every night. I hope I dream of driving.. driving to New York.. Driving to M... nevermind it. Remember, i'm behind it? Seems like the past caught up and sprouted up right in front of me. Not the first time, but the first time in a long time. Split the roots and kill the mood, I'd like to listen if you could tell me the truth.
