Breathe

Friday, October 16, 2009

[ Today, the company I work for held a worldwide internet conference, where colleagues from all around the world tuned in to listen to the CEO and his close staff speak ]

The importance of this meeting was not about what is happening or how is teh company's decision effecting me specifically, it was about how much hope the leaders of the company can give to everyone.  Their smiles, led me to believe that they would end the meeting and go back to their offices and think about the tens of thousands whose lives will be changed forever.  Mine can be one of them, maybe not, but there's a possibility.  So while all the company's politics is on the runway and everyone is engaged speculating on where their role is in the near and distant future and if they would have to work elsewhere, I sit, dreaming.  I sit and dream as I did last week and the week before that, about how everything can lead to anything.  

The question that is on everyone's minds right now is simply, what's next (am I next)?  Simple human characteristic of wishing for something they can't handle, asking for the future.  So I zoom out into space again, looking at Earth from above.  The calm and peaceful trades winds stretching from Asian to America, looks like the swirl in my coffee mug.  The GREAT wall of China, nothing but an imperfection on my work shirt.  Like a jigsaw puzzle, we go in close to fit 2 pieces together, and come back up to see the big picture just to zoom in onto the next 2 pieces.  The beauty of zooming out at a time like this is that nothing seems to matter.  The world is at peace, the world is one, and everything is together.  The universe is quite and serene, even the sun is dim up here. 

And now, we take a deep breath, brace ourselves for re-entry, and dive back down to Earth.  A place where the most apparent useless decision will become your biggest enemy, a place where a helping hand could mean millions of government funding or 10 seconds of a stranger's time.  This is where I live, Earth, a place of chaos and fighting, a place where love is everywhere but sometimes hidden.  I love every second of it, and I love everyone living here.  Out there in space, is where I spend my nights, dreaming away, Earth gazing... but this is where I live, my home, my planet.  One nation, under the stars.   

Going Crazy ... But Came Back.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

As I sit in the gaze towards the stars in the blackness,
one of them protrudes and captures me with brightness.
I watch it like the way we kept eye contact, 
and I wished it would never go away.

One moment after this one, it disappears, dims quickly into nothing.
I wondered how long ago it died.  Was it last century, or lightyear?
I wish I knew the answers to any questions,
like why our eyes never stopped looking,
or why the moment of all moments becomes just another moment after another moment passes.


Forget I ever said anything, it really doesn't matter.
As time passes, we all become, just gasses.
Flying in space without any direction, what it the ultimate goal?
How could there be any purpose to life.. to anything.


We are living, we want to be living.
Something tells us, life is important, keep life.
Life is a word, and the concept "to be alive" is created by us.
As children, I believe we would be content with an answer like, 
we live and hope to go to heaven one day, where we will be happy forever.


If someone answered me with that today, I would not understand.
Now I know of grief, now I know of anguish, now I know of the emotions that create pain.
Now I wonder why we live.
What if heaven did not exist, what if life did not exist?
Could it matter .. would you miss it?


To understand somewhat why anything is here, 
I believe we must live forever.
If we are not eternally existing, then the purpose of life is meaningless.
Therefore... we are eternally existing, and we have a purpose?


Of course, with my thinking, it always comes back to the girl.
The one that will make me not care about why we live.
Because when the moment comes and our eyes gaze into eachother,
the meaning of life is found.


How naive, a young boy thinking love is true.
How brave, a boy wasting his life on love.
How beautiful, I say, love is.

Home Improvement

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Another gorgeous day in St. Louis county.  Breezy air mixed with a light glow from the sun and an ever so perfect dying green.  It was a father and son day apparently, as my dad and I drove out for errands, including looking at the new house.

My parents decided that it would be a good idea to build a new house that is very nice and actually worthy of their salaries?  So we drive to the house and the construction is at the stage where enough frames have been put up to noticed the garage and basement but not enough to consider it a solid floor plan yet.  So we head on down around the back to the basement where it is dark and kind of relief and hide from the sun.  

My dad takes out his video camera and begins to record the empty basement.  I did not know why he was recording, but I figured that he sees something that I don't.  He records for a bit then turn the camera off and turns to me.  "Hey, this place is perfect for that library!  O, here, it's so nice to be able to have an entertainment center right here!  And over there, we can put the ping pong table!  We have so much room!"  Those words did not excite me one bit.  Those words did not excite a young male recent graduate from college looking for the city life in Manhattan, New York.  But I was smiling behind my father's back regardless.  I guess it was his smile as he said those things that made me smile the same.  I was not happy for us, but I was happy for him.  This was genuine, his wrinkles looked more pleasant now than the other set of wrinkles used for frowning.  This smile is rare or me, I don't get to witness it often, as he is bounded by the American corporate work force and driven home by his company to irritation.  He walks to our basement where he plans a new company's details with his friends and my mom, hoping to hit it big and quit his job.

I couldn't be happy for us.. It wasn't what I wanted at all, but it was what my dad wanted, and it was as if he had fulfilled some realistic dream.  I wondered.. wouldn't it be great if we could enjoy this and be happy together?  It was sad that my smile was for him and not us as a family.. I sometimes see the sports families where the father was a ex-pro and the son is now going to play college ball as a starter and they are eating at the same place my family is eating at, and they seem.. happy, together.  As my family sits at the table, all three of us, I can't help but think, why are they happier than we are?  Then I realized.. we are happy.  The coach dad pats the son on the back in a moment if frozen in time would make the next feel good Superbowl commercial, while mom sitting there starts to ask about my day at work, then move on and ask my father the same.  We were not happy like the other family, but we were happy, for each other.  We cared about eachother, maybe a little too much that sometimes my dad's a total douche bag about it.

Will my family ever be like any other?  I don't want to be like any other family.  This is me and these are my parents.  I want to live in the city, they want to live in a peaceful quiet place where you can hand out candy to the trick or treaters during Halloween.

I guess with the passing of my grandfather, I am finally feeling the circle of life calling me.  The force can be overwhelming, making you do things.. things you might regret the next day, but in 8 months, make you smile like you've never before and hate yourself for ever regretting what you did.  This subject makes me smirk.. just the idea of having a kid, simply because I know right now I'm set on not doing something "stupid".  But maybe someday?  The idea of 100% responsibility over another life, and the idea of knowing that as long as you love him, he will love you back is a little bit appealing.  Maybe when I am done traveling the world living my dreams, I will create life like I was born to do, because it would be a shame if I tried to live my dreams through him =)

Ignoring all the differences that "should" be there between parents and children, my smile for my father was the type that said: "I don't get why you are so happy, I couldn't see myself in your shoes, but it warms me that you are enjoying life".  Someday.. maybe.. i doubt it.. but maybe.. when I have my own child, and I could smile as a father and know that I am smiling for not just me but us.  

So as I smile.. at my father's enthusiasm towards planning the new unfinished, not even close to being completed, basement, I'm sure he's smiling behind my back too.

haha I thought this song would be appropriate LOL ^_~Vm
~ Click here to listen to the appropriate song ...

Saturday, October 3, 2009

There really is no limitations to what we can do.
Society puts these rules on us and we must obey some,
in hopes of living in some sort of harmony.
There's these foundational grounds set by everyone from yesterday
and administered by everyone today.
It will always be like this, it's the societies intuitive path.


Even though those rules exist, you can bend them.
It depends on how creative you are with what you've got.
It depends on how bold you are to try it out.
It depends on character and it depends on strength.


All those things are taken into consideration no matter what you are trying to do.
The moment you step foot into the arena, those foundational rules become intuition, 
and the rest is up to you.


Free to do whatever you wish.
Free to dance.