Any Other World

Thursday, April 29, 2010

~ i think thoughts for the most part should be shared.  maybe these thoughts will entertain if not enlighten.  i've logged many days writing everything and yet it seems as though i've written nothing. ~

it was definitely not a waste of time, because not one moment in life can be wasted.  it is time to keep these thoughts to myself, or share with you on a personal level.  if i was meant to be alone, then so be it.  if we are what i think we are meant to be, then let's connect.

these feelings are too precious to be left in the open and abandoned, but should be cherished.  

goodbye blog ~ see you in any other world.

So sometimes ... I get this feeling of discomfort.  It's not so painfully discomforting that I HAVE to do something, but it's sort of getting there.  But the thing is, I don't know what to do.  Although there are many options, I cannot choose, because each one is equally as flawed as the next.

There will be a breaking point where I must choose yea?  When that time comes, will I choose, or choose to stand there in silence?  More importantly, if I choose, can I hold it in my hands for the rest of my life in content?

Seems like a prevalent scenario these days =_=

wth...

Friday, April 23, 2010

Yesterday @ about 5pm .. park at the post office, do my business, come back out to find that the car is still running with the keys locked inside. 


Today @ about 4pm .. walk to parking garage, put my stuff in the trunk, start the car .. realize I forgot my computer at work.


I feel scatter brained.  I feel uneasy.  Physically I'm hella tired.  Usually I know what's bothering me, but this time I just can't figure out what.  It's very strange.  Nothing too crazy thats driving me nuts, but just REALLY uncomfortable.


I need a spell breaker

Still On the Way There

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

O who are you kidding?  You can't live without a bike, you can't just walk everywhere forever.  You need the thrill, you need the wind in your hair.  You need a bike.  So of course, you get the best of the best and a really big lock, the kind that takes brain surgeons and rocket scientists 2 weeks to realize that its a lock.  


What a beauty.  Shiny handle bars, solid body, sexy everywhere.  This is what you wanted right?  The best bike, all to yourself, to ride as you wish.  


One day, a friend asks you to ride it to run an errand.  It was going to be a quick, around the block mission, taking no longer than maybe 30 minutes.  "NO"! "NO WAY!"  This was expected don't you think?  You loved so much that no one else could even touch.  Anyways, it was your bike right?  You have the right to do whatever you wish with YOUR bike.  Of course.  All of your friends are admiring your bike.  It is truly a beauty.  


"How about letting me take it for a spin"?  It's been a long time, and you felt like you were being selfish, so you reluctantly agree.  You get a call later that day from that friend saying that you weren't going to get the bike back for a while because he just didn't have anytime.  What could you do?  He lived far away, walking there was out of the question and you didn't know anyone with a car.  Could you believe it?  Another fine day, you ask another the whereabouts of that friend.  Surprised and shocked to hear that he had moved away, you wonder if he had left the bike here.  Good.. you think about the bike before you even consider your friend.  Then again, he was the one being deceptive.  You find out that he didn't leave anything and no one knew where he went.


Angry and sad again, you try to brush it off out of pride.  You try to comfort yourself by saying that bike was no good anyways, too stiff and hard to maneuver.  You were lying to yourself and you didn't even blink.  


So now what ... No bike again.  Time to walk, but will you get another?  Tough luck with the bikes.  A lot of people's bikes never break or get stolen, and they just keep that 1 bike until it gets old and withers away.  Why are you so unfortunate?  Maybe someone is trying to tell you to just give up and walk.  Maybe you are not the biking type.  All in all, the whole experience has taken you through this emotional roller coaster and you can't decide if another bike is worth it. 


~ sometimes indecision is to choose the path of inaction, and to walk seemed to be your choice for now ~

The Way There

Lately, the idea of being single for a long long time has been plaguing my mind.  I'm not saying it will be a total bad thing, but not saying it will be a walk in the park either.  When Cupid's fragile arrows whither away, we come back to square 1.. but are we really at square 1?


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


You love your bike, you couldn't go anywhere without it, it's like your new legs.  It was faster, it was more exciting.  Rather than avoiding the curb, you took it head on!  Rather than avoiding the puddle, you ran through it with your legs straight out.  Then one day, you were reckless and fell off that bike.  You remember the pain, you remember the stitches, bruises, scabs, and scars.  It was a nasty fall to say the least.  Great... you had to walk everywhere now.  Everything was more calm, rather than the wind blowing past your ears, you heard the birds and the leaves waving.  The wind against your skin was more subtle.  It wasn't all too bad, it wasn't better or worse, it was just different.  Sure, it took longer to get from A to B, but you now had time to think, lots of time.  you didn't have to worry about running into something.  The most important difference was that, you didn't have to worry about falling off the bike.


You didn't care much for the pain.  You wanted to hop back on the bike so bad that you forgot how much it hurt when you fell off the first time.  The old bike was trashed, but what can you do, so you go and get a new bike.  This one is even better!  It was way prettier than the last one, had more gears, and was much more comfortable.  It wasn't long before riding a bike was a part of your everyday life.  It was marvelous.  You remember it just like before.  You took the same paths, and it looked the same, but felt a little bit different.  You were pretty excited about the new bike so you took it to the trail that the old bike would have never been able to handle and it was great.  You feel in love with the new one even more!

Although you were getting a bit carried away with the new bike, you didn't want to fall off again, so you were really careful.  Also you treated this bike a lot better because you liked this one so much, you didn't want to have to dump it.


Everything is great. You felt amazing.  The wind was back in your hair and the thrill was on again.  Then one day, you leave class and totally ready to ride home on a gorgeous day, you walk outside to where your bike is locked up.  There it was, the beautiful ... bike lock.  Your bike was stolen.  Your baby.. it was gone.  At first anger strikes you.  You start looking around and don't know what to do.  You start blaming others and try to figure out who could have taken it.  Then after that doesn't get your bike back, you start blaming yourself, "did I lock it.. I bet I forgot to lock it.."  Either way, no matter what you tried to do, your bike was gone.  The brand spankin' new love of your life .. GONE.


At this point, you had forgotten the pain of falling off and getting hurt.  You were just angry and sad.  you sit and contemplate about getting a new one.  You didn't care about falling off, it was like as if you were used to it.  You just wanted to make sure you got to keep the next bike forever!  That is.. if you decide to get a new one.

(to be continued)

EE Degree Put to Use

Monday, April 19, 2010

In analyzing the behavior of a system in engineering, we often examine its properties as we approach infinity, negative infinity, and zero.  These are the crucial points of any system.  These are the points of destruction or construction, of beauty, and of disaster.  Let's just think about the approach as limit is infinity.  Three things can happen:


1) Constant, exponential, or logarithmic growth.  However you put it, this is growth through infinity, and thus growth TO infinity.    


2) Diminishing behavior, where the entity will approach zero as time goes on, but never truly reach it.  


3) Stabilized behavior, where the value of the output of the entity stays a constant and will never change from its current state unless an eternal force is presented.


How about life?  In the midst of eternity, can we say anything about life itself?  Our consciousness is simply made up of some amount of voltage (far more complex i know, but this is what we understand scientifically).  When we die, this voltage is released into space and mended together with everything else.  As we approach infinity, this "consciousness" as we know it individually will slowly disappear, but it never reaches zero.  But this is just a theory, equally valid as the opposing argument, the one I prefer to believe in.


As our "souls", if you will, are released from our human bodies, it does not disappear, but rather forges with the rest of the physical word and thus giving us a great consciousness, a greater understanding of everything we've never known.  


But really, how can we make any objective statements about the supernatural or the metaphysical... All we know is how to live by the physical boundaries that were given to us, and yet, we try so hard to break free.  We try so hard to reach another level of existence.  And from that struggle came faith.  This faith to believe in whatever we believe in for our afterlives and never look another way.  


In a perfectly "logical" world, where there are no crimes, no unnatural deaths ... we wouldn't have .. feelings.  Because these feelings drive us.  They are the passion that drives us to kill, they are the desires that drive us to sin .. And so I close my eyes and picture this perfect world.. Afraid to fall into an eternal reverie of this perfect world, I open my eyes.  It took me a while to remember what I had realized at the end of the last summer.


I do want to be a God someday.  Sitting on my throne in the sky with my Goddess right by my side.  I will be there one day, but today, I am human.  I am fragile and no, I don't want another world, because there are more beautiful things here than I can ever experience in a lifetime.  The trees of the slowly fading old house waving goodbye.  The first car, the last car.  The trees of the new house waving hello.  I did accept it, I do accept it, I'm human and I love this world.  I love .. you.  Whoever you are, where ever you are, and if I've met you already or not.. Someday we'll enjoy our kingdom.  


So let's fall in love, let's travel the world, I'll show you the life of a God and his Goddess before they became divine.

~ heaven is boring .. i need you ~

Champagne

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Got back last night from U of I, Urbana, another battle.  Still learning, which is good.  I don't want to ever go to a jam and not walk away with something.  Driving back from Illinois, we stop at around 4 am to fill up on gas and get some energy drinks.  There, I sat on the bench and gazed at the gas station.  Maybe it was late night delirium, but the lights of the gas station was refreshing.  It was as if that gas station was the only thing on the planet.  Other than the 4 other people I was with, I felt as if everyone I had known was no where to be found (which is literally true at that moment on the road).  


It was another moment to contemplate why I danced, why I did anything, but rather than thinking, this time ... I just sat there, soaked in the feeling.

Not too long after I sat down, we were on the road again.  Got back to St. Charles and said peace  to the homies and left for home.  This time, I really was on my own, driving home around sunrise.  This time, I must say, is the first time I had actually enjoyed being awake when the sun is coming up.  Although I think it was the moon that was there the whole time above me, reminding me that even in the light of day, where everything is drowned in the sun's rays and looking the same that the light of faith can still shine.  

The moon was a crisp crescent looking to the right.  There were cars on the road, probably on their Sunday morning commute.  Although I was tired, I could drive on ... I need to.  

On the night before leaving for Urbana, I drove to St. Charles and passed the airport.  At this point, I wanted to just go... Just pull in, buy a ticket to god knows where, and just.. Go.  In the past, I would never leave where ever I was.  Never, but now, maybe it's because I am growing up, maybe it is time for the cub to leave the lioness, but I can't help but feel this way.  I love everyone I have every met, and everyone that I am currently spending my life with, but I think I need to move forward.

~ Thanks Jumpin' Jimmy's!

*is a lioness just loneliness without Love?

Who Am I?

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Do identity crisis really exist, or are they just hesitations to accept in disguise?  No matter how hard we search for ourselves to try to see the individuality, we will be who we are.  At this very moment, our existence is colored by our clothes, our hairstyle, the way we smile, and all of our choices.  To find who we are and to attempt to go down another road is ... some what uncomfortable?


This begs another question which is pertaining to the final destination of this journey for self discovery.  Where does it end?  Where in this journey can I sit down and say "I'm done, I'm satisfied, I've found myself"?  There's are times in a day where you are so concentrated on a certain action that afterwards, you simply realize nothing but the passing of that time.  On the other hand, there are times where you watch the clock tick by (metaphorically) and realize the passing of time.  Could finding yourself simply be based on how much our lives are comprised of these moments?  I know I am asking a lot of questions and not throwing out answers.. =P


I did learn a few things on this so called "journey".  First and foremost, is that this journey, never ends.  We are always students of our world and we will always be realizing more and more about who we are as individuals and together as one family.  In this search for the ultimate happiness, one that will never let you down, I realized that life is nothing but small things, from packed lunches to Sunday drives, and from relationship complications to amusement parks.  The small things, together is in fact this "ultimate happiness".  


We try so hard to wiggle out of our shells and change who we are.  Its easy to change who you are, but to accept whoever you are is the butterfly in the sky.